Today I decided to get exposed. It will be a not-so-funny post since it has feelings that were kept inside for my teenage years because the society and the situations never allowed me to express myself the way I wanted to.
I was a not so pleasant person as a teenager. I was not really social, never smiled, and always with my headphones on, because my only real company was music. I don’t know if it was the teenage years that make u feel that if something doesn’t go your way, then you are going to die, but I used to be a very emotionally deep person. I always had trouble to express myself in the right words and actions and I never enjoyed going out get drunk till you pass out, so maybe that explains a lot now to the friends that surrounded me these times. I sometimes even skipped school, but the worst part was that my teachers didn’t even notice my absence, I felt that it was cool that time, but the more the time passed I felt that it was insulting actually.
By the age of 18, I got unlucky and got sick. It was at first a normal infection that could easily be treated with antibiotics, but the thing is that I used to live in a small town and this changed everything. When people live like that, they are forced to visit private doctors, (I used to call them vultures), pay huge ammounts of money, and never get the treatment that you deserve. What happened with me is that, in some doctor’s private lab that I used to visit to get better, my test results were mixed, so by the time I started feeling physically better, the doctor kept telling me(according to the wrong tests that he was running on me) that I am still sick, and kept giving me drugs for almost 4 months. Even though I felt healthy after the first month. I visited another private doctor that did the exact same thing. The time passed, I was a lot absent from school, so I missed a whole school year.
I was feeling healthy but the doctors kept telling me I am sick. I was depressed, cried every day, and the only thing I did was draw. I have kept some of my drawing that I thought I actually got rid of, since there was so much anger this time, but I thought I should share them, because it is like part of yourself and they made you who you are today.
I am sure this explains a lot to the people that I was with when I was a teenager, because sooner or later they realised that I don’t fit in a small town that treats its people like shit, I deserve better and I got it. I always knew that there was no way I stay there for the rest of my life, so I didn’t really give a fuck what people believed about me. But, I was still troubled to show this because I was always told by my surroundings that I should be a smily, positive person, and shouldn’t treat people the way they treat me, I should be superior, because people talk a lot in small communities and I shouldn’t bump into their mouths. Right… So this is how I spent my 16-17-18-19 years old :
I know it may look 100% different than what it is now, but it was the truth. I used to be like that, something that automatically in some sort of magical way changed, by the time I moved here. And of course music: Nothing like what I describe now haha! Take a look :
(In some way that I never really understood, I used to be so in love with Ville Valo from the finish group “HIM”, since I was 13. Maybe it had to do with the fact that I was always attracted by the scandinavian emotions and looks ❤ ).
BUT! As a last observation, this is all done. I am done with all the past shit and do not ask why but I changed from Nickelback to this : (Cuz in Sweden we are all FREE BITCHES BABY! <3)
I wish I could be like her one day! I’m trying to adopt her style, I love her so much! ❤
I would really love to hear if anyone wants to talk about all of this! 😉